Maybe I’m obsessed with rest because of all my sleep issues. I spend a lot of time feeling exhausted. Unable to do the things I want to, I get resentful. I’m pretty sure being resentful makes the rest less effective so that when I finally do rest it doesn’t help much. The perfect example of a vicious cycle.
I am particularly bad about letting my brain rest. I may sit or lie down to rest my body, but I keep my brain busy. I listen to podcasts or watch videos. I keep the new ideas coming, which often adds to the list of things I would like to do but can’t right now, which doesn’t seem like a good idea either.
In my extensive quotes collection, I found this:
The ego hates to rest. … As artists, we must serve our souls, not our egos. Our souls need rest. ~Julia Cameron, Walking in This World, p. 29
“Artists” can be replaced with “people” because I believe this is true of everyone.
Even rest-resistant me.
Do you get angry about needing to rest?
Yes, I always feel guilty about “wasting time” when I take a break. My dad always said, “I can sleep when I’m dead.” (He was trying to be funny, but maybe he had a point.)
My favorite “I can sleep when I’m dead” take is by Jenny Lawson, the Bloggess. In her essay about her insomnia, she points out that envying people taking “the big dirt nap” is a sign your sleep sucks.
Have I been programmed to keep moving all the time, to make sure I’m getting *something* done no matter what, or is it innate? Don’t know, but I will keep working on it.
Resenting rest … part of my ongoing problem is I have never been able to take naps, even when totally exhausted both physically and mentally/emotionally. I try to lie down and take a nap and there goes my brain spinning off in all different directions. Part of my difficulty is decades of chronic pain, resulting in keeping myself busy-busy-busy to avoid focusing on the pain. Even now when I have finally found a treatment that has significantly reduced my pain, my mind and body won’t let me settle down and just read a book that I want to read, or just sit and be. I am a typically busy active person, so rest sometimes feels like “wasting time” that I could be doing something else. However, due to the chronic pain and Persistent Lyme Disease, sometimes my body just makes me stop doing and forces me to take a day where I do very limited things (compared to my general days of busy-ness).
I can really relate to this! I also “nap” by lying in bed, wishing I could sleep. On the rare occasions when I do doze, it has a queer drugged feeling that my brain seems to fight. It’s like I’m trying to avoid sleeping. And I don’t feel rested when I do wake up. I do think we build habits that wire our brains, so lots of busy-ness all the time would keep resting from happening. I also have “down” days where I have to go much slower than normal. I struggle not to constantly think about the things I should be doing during those times, hence the resentment. I hope your reduced pain continues and you are able to re-wire your brain so you can rest.
This is an important topic for me. I’ve been dealing with sleep disorders for a very long time, decades in fact. I realize that the “rest” you’re talking about it not necessarily “sleep,” although that’s a part of it. My starting point now is to forgive myself for not having great sleep habits and to not guilt-trip myself for napping during the day. Or for anything connected to taking care of myself. And yes, sometimes I do check out. But I have to remember that I feel a “good tired” when I apply myself to something that matters, such as my writing, or even painting a room. No matter how I rest or sleep, it’s going to be imperfect. And that’s okay.
My sleep issues started three decades ago, so I can relate. One of the ironic things about sleep is that working harder at it can make you sleep less instead of more, so a gentle, easy-does-it approach is a healthy one to take. I’ve have also learned that I can do many of the things that seem hard even when I am really tired, and that the more soul-filling things (like writing) can actually make me feel better. Even with that knowledge, it’s hard not to feel sorry for myself when I’m exhausted and even harder to actually so things, like write.